Hey, guys! Let me just say: if you're still here, if you're still reading this, then I appreciate what you're doing. It will never cease to amaze me that some people actually care about the things I think. I know it's pretty redundant that I keep saying this, but it means more to me than you can imagine.
So, fun fact about Cayla Clack. I love dreaming. Like I mentioned before, I'm a huge fan of finding the deeper meaning in everything, including in my dreams. I love hunting for every little drop of depth I can in my subconscious, but it's a tad offputting when your dream is extremely point blank and realistic. I had this dream about a week and a half ago, but it's consumed my thoughts so much that I feel like I need to share it with you all. (Without using names, yet still being completely obvious somehow. It takes skill.)
I was at one of my best friend's houses (let's call her Holly. She was almost named "Juno." Shh, don't judge me.), like always, but I was fresh out of college and immersed in a new teaching job (in New Braunfels, I think). We were all four and five years older, and the dream had a more mature air about it. Holly's parents got along a lot better now that they only had her two younger sisters, Sarah and Selena, to look after. Sarah, was a little smarter, and Selena was a little less of a shit. Holly was with a guy that I actually sort of approved of, and their elder brother, Joseph, was nowhere in sight. Holly's family invited me to a family reunion, saying I was like a daughter to them and that I'd helped Holly during the darkest time of her life, and I eagerly accepted. I hadn't seen Holly or Sarah in a long while, but in the back of my mind, I really wanted to know how Joseph was doing. It had been four years since I'd seen him last, and something was telling me I really needed to. At every family reunion, families catch up on any gossip they may have missed, and at this one in particular, the hot topic was Joseph and his girlfriend. I sat down next to one of Holly's aunts and overheard her talking about how she didn't approve of Joseph's thoughts to marry his girlfriend. I thought nothing of the fact that she didn't agree with her nephew's decision. Everyone in Holly's family had a reason to dislike someone for one thing or another. I was more interested in the fact that Joseph was in a relationship long enough to even consider the possibility of marrying someone. I wanted to hear more. I listened to all of the hushed tones Holly's family was uttering around the Cauldron that Mr. Rodriguez was cooking at.
"She's so mean to him."
"He doesn't even smile anymore."
"The only time you see him happy is at work. Your girlfriend is supposed to make you happy."
"It's a shame he's only thinking about marrying her because he doesn't want to start over again."
"He's not happy. You can see it in his eyes."
One of Holly's aunts turned to me and patted me on the knee. "You're much prettier than her, mi hija." Holly's family loved me more than ever, but their only problem with me is that I didn't go after Joseph while we were still teenagers, and now they all had to watch him marry a bitter woman he wasn't in love with. I smiled at her aunt then got up to see Mr. Rodriguez by the cauldron. I didn't bother with formalities or hellos.
"Joseph is getting married?" It just fell out of my mouth. Some small part of me felt sick thinking about it. I hadn't seen or spoken to Joseph in years and I, for some reason, couldn't stand the thought if him marrying this girl.
Mr. Rodriguez stirred up whatever he was frying in the cauldron (I had my heart set on carnitas). "Yeah, he's marrying that girl I told you about a few years ago. You should have gotten with him, Cayla. That boy used to love you, girl." I suddenly felt guilty. I didn't like to think about it while I was in high school, and frankly, I didn't believe it back then. But now, every second I spent in the same room as Joseph came flooding back to memory. Every sentence exchanged, every glance shared, every joke uttered. I remembered the time I first met him in the back seat of the family's car and he randomly bought me a Gatorade (lemon-lime, my favorite). I remember the day all of us kids were standing in the Rodriguez family kitchen talking, and Joseph stared at the floor until I addressed him specifically. I remember the night we stayed up nearly until dawn and he told me things he never told anyone else. When he looked hurt that I only "used" to have a crush on him, even though he had a girlfriend at the time. All of these thoughts engulfed my mind and drownes the helpless little me that was finally understanding the truth of the situation. There was something there when I was in high school. There was something between me and Joseph. I mentally facepalmed and felt weak-kneed when I realized I couldn't change things.
I realized I'd been standing there in front of Holly's dad looking lost. I swallowed the lump in my throat and prepared to speak. "I know he did, Mr. Rodriguez, but I was just a kid back then."
He nodded at me.
"What do I do?" I asked him, knowing the answer. Nothing could be done.
"Don't give up yet," he said, stirring the pot. "We told him you were invited and I saw the look on his face, girl. I think he still likes you."
I said okay and walked away. What if I was only here because his family hated his girlfriend? This family loved me, but they loved their son more. Of course that's why I was here. The only person that hadn't arrived to the reuinion was Joseph. While I anxiously awaited his arrival, I chatted up Holly and met her boyfriend. Despite her "get married young" mentality when we were teenagers, she and her boyfriend were happily taking it veeeeery slow. I, of course, was enthused at this fact. Holly was smitten by some guy, as always, but she'd been with him for three years and finally seemed to have her head on straight. I was proud of my friend and silently thanked God for answering my prayer to give her happiness and guidance.
We were talking and laughing and it suddenly got really quiet. I didn't have to look up to know why. Little Joseph was here with his girlfriend, and they walked down the stairs, hand in hand. He hadn't aged a day. He was still wearing his Polo from work, his hair was still the same, and the same belt he used to wear when we were teenagers peeked from under his shirt. If anything, he was in better shape than before. I had to catch my breath. He and his girlfriend walked toward us, and she was gorgeous. But the closer they came, the uglier she became until she had a beard and weighed three-hundred pounds. (Hey, it's been realistic thus far. He held her hand just as well, but I think the ugliness was her personality being depicted in a more literal sense. My subconscious is more blunt than I am, anway.) As soon as he saw me, he smiled, and then a somber look took over. He looked at the ground as I walked over.
"Hey, Joseph. Long time, no see."
"Yeah," he mumbled, without looking up. He began kicking at the gravel he was standing on. I laughed awkwardly.
"Hey, Alexis. How's it going?"
She said nothing, just scowled at me and gripped Joseph's hand tighter.
"Let's go grab those two chairs over there." She spoke to him while staring me down. And with an "Okay, babe," they walked away and left me standing there.
Soon enough, the food was ready, and stories were being told and laughs were being had. I decided to eat my dinner standing by the tree, so I wouldn't have to look at Joseph and his girlfriend sitting across from me. Everyone was laughing and having a good time, and I couldn't help but feel glad I was here. Like I belonged here. I couldn't help but smile. My moment of self-reflecting was interrupted by none other than Little Joseph himself. I looked over and Alexis was sitting alone, looking pissed off, as always.
"My family's pretty crazy, huh? I can't believe you still come around." He laughed and it was the first time I'd seen him happy since he'd arrived at the shindig earlier. I chuckled as well.
"Nah, I love your family. You know that." We just stood and looked at the joyous Rodriguez clan sitting around the fire. We were quiet. I broke that silence. (That much is a given, huh?)
"You can't marry that girl, Joe."
AND THEN MY FRIEND'S DAD STORMS INTO THE ROOM AND MAKES US ALL WAKE UP.
I know reading this has probably been like reading a novel, and you want to gnaw your arm off to ease the agony, but this dream brings me to my point. (And I'll be brief.)
I recently learned that if you feel something for someone, you should make those feelings known. The timing may be terrible, or the.circumstances may seem to be against you, but I guess that's why it's called "Falling in love." Falling isn't necessarily a good thing, but the possibility that love is waiting for you on impact makes it worth it. In my case, I'm not talking falling in love. I can be honest in saying I don't know what that's like. For me, it's the same old I-like-a-guy-and-I'm-overthinking-it-and-giving-myself-an-unrealistic-ultimatum-because-he-is-in-some-way-unattainable thing. But, hey, what's romance without a little excitement?
I hope you guys enjoy this one, Cayla xx
No comments:
Post a Comment