Here I Go With The Love Stuff Again

I start entirely too many sentences and conversations with the phrase "So I was thinking and I realized...." I suppose that just means I'm a thinker, but it just jumped out at me today.

Okay, so. I was thinking today and I realized I ALWAYS like someone. Always. It could be the simplest, most shallow attraction, or a completely head over heels situation, but I always have an object of affections. I think part of that may have to do with the fact that I've never had a boyfriend (this is the part where you spit take whatever you happen to be drinking at the moment) or it could be that I like to have a special someone to think about. (I mean, I am a girl.)

I'm going to share something with you all. I have this vision in my head of future me living in a classy suburban house, coming home from work. When I look over, I see my future husband sitting there, still dressed from work. I walk over and sit down next to him and tell him about the kids at school that day (I'm planning to be a teacher) and later, I make dinner and talk to him and we wash dishes together. I'm sure you think that's cheesy or you think "Wow, dishes. That's romantic." But this is just how I see my happy future.

So when I'm attracted to a guy and I'm intrigued enough to observe him,  I take this person and plop him right down into the middle of my daydream. What would it be like coming home to this person every night? Could you work together to reach a common goal? Would he be supportive? Does he have the drive it takes to reach the life he wants? All of this from seventeen year old me.

I am always asked the question, "Why don't you ever date anyone?" It isn't because no one is interested. It isn't because I'm shy. It's not as if no one has ever asked me. Here's why. I haven't really found anyone worth it yet. Sure, I fangirl about some new guy all the time. Sometimes, I even get pretty caught up on these guys, but when it comes down to what I want in entirety, no one I've met has made the cut.

I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it again. Never settle for less than what you want. I don't plan on doing that, and it would break my heart to see anyone I know do it either. Even if you have to hold out (like I have with dating. And believe me, it gets lonely), what you get in the end will be well worth the wait. It has to be, doesn't it?

The romance doctor/philosopher,
Cayla xx

I'm Not One Of Those Crazy Girls (?)

So, I was thinking today, I'm glad I have the opportunity to write every day. I'm glad that, usually, I say something relevant at least once a night. I guess that means I'm still sane. BUT, I was also thinking about the fact that something's missing from my blog since I've been back. I realized, that's because I don't necessarily put real experiences into this thing anymore. I don't make it relatable anymore. I've turned this blog into more of a diary or a practice of complaint and emotional release, and that isn't fair. So let me give you some substance, eh?

Last night, I didn't get to sleep until about five this morning. I settled into my bed after a hard day of work and dozed off into a pleasantly sound sleep until my alarm scared me awake at ten thirty this morning. I found my phone, turned off the alarm, and was about to go to sleep when Facebook tells me I have a message. I "ugh"ed and looked at my phone, despite the fact that I wanted to sleep in a little more. Good thing, too.

As it turns out, there was a random message (and I do mean random) that Skater Boy's ex-girlfriend left me, calling me names that shouldn't be repeated and insinuating things that completely contradict my personality. The gist?

"We broke up and he won't leave me alone. Can you just do me a favor and get him to stop telling me he loves me? I don't like you at all, but if it has to be you, then so be it. He told me he feels absolutely nothing for you, but with a few minor changes to your personality, I'm sure you could have him again."

(And of course that was paraphrased, proofread, and censored tremendously.) I laid in bed and blinked, confused. I shook my head and read it again. This time my feelings were hurt. Where was the anger coming from? I haven't had anything to say to Crazy Girl or Skater Boy for a long while, and we all parted on good terms. Why was this still following me? I read it again and was perplexed, once again. It's too early for this, I thought. I called my best friend, Jennifer (Hey there, Jenni!), read her the message, and then left for her house. I responded to Crazy Girl in the most polite way possible, not wanting to fuel the fire any. I told her that I was disappointed in her feelings toward me and that I still liked her as a person. I told her the best way to handle it was to tell Skater Boy how she feels. I figured her anger was misguided, and I smiled at the fact that I handled myself so well. She saw my message and didn't respond. "It's over," I thought.

Thought.

She responded seven hours later with some unintelligible angry message. Truthfully, I got a little ugly. I said things that shouldn't have been said, but they weren't insinuations about this girl. The rude things I said were true (which makes it worse, I suppose). And, because I'd been nice so far (this is the third time she's flipped her lid on me randomly), I stood my ground (maybe a little too much) and I don't regret it at all.

The lesson here, you ask, dear reader?

Well, I truthfully kind of forgot about the Skater and the entire situation. I guess that's what happens with time. I'm moving on. But, moving on doesn't constitute forgetting about where you've been. To forget is to dig a hole and then fall back into it. These people keep coming back up, and I guess the third time around I should acknowledge the fact that I may not be done with the situation. Moving on from this may not be in God's plan or the "big picture." I suppose you've got to keep an open mind.

I also learned, from the Crazy Girl, that my blog is a bit of a "publicized diary." And I'm perfectly fine with that. I never use names when I write, and I enjoy the writing I do. I have my own little audience, and they enjoy it as well. Because of today (and my guilt), I almost stopped blogging altogether. Another lesson? You can't let a little anger and bitterness from others keep you down. You have got to do what you love. Never ever ever stop.

Alrighty, well, I'm getting cheesy and motivational. That's my cue to go.

I feel good about this one,
Cayla xx

It Should Be About Us, It Should Be About Trust

Holaaaa, blog readers. While I was mopping at work today, I was singing You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man (classic) and I had a thought. There really aren't crazy girlfriends anymore (welllll, sort of). I remember a point time when, if a a girl was cheated on, she'd slash her boyfriend's tires and burn his things and stand outside his house screaming (a little too descriptive, Cayla). We used to take matters into our own hands, and not just "let the chips fall where they may." You just don't see that anymore. (Isn't that a good thing?) Well, hell to the no, it isn't.

I've noticed girls are completely complacent in relationships now. We're comfortable lowering our standards considerably, and then letting the guy we're into lower them as well. If a guy cheats, we're  quick to make up excuses.

"It was a one time thing."

"We were going through a tough time."

Excuse me while I gag.

It's so much easier to push the logical thoughts deep down and make excuses I
instead. People commend the ladies that go back to that guy. "Oh, she's so strong. Such a trooper." It's my honest opinion that the women who think "I deserve better" and take that first step toward moving on are the strong ones. They overcame their own emotional block and are moving to make their next relationship a good one.

If I learned one thing from my mother, it's that "you shouldn't settle, Cayla Jo." Ever. In love, in work, in life. You always always (always) go for your vision of the best. I think that's what my generation (and women in general) are missing. It's a wonder we still function. 

All else aside, ladies. Have respect for yourself. Stand up for you. And if necessary, kick their asses into shape. (But not literally, dear God.)

Was this one too preachy?
Cayla xx

This Is Basically A Novel, But If You Read It, I'll Love You

Hey, guys! Let me just say: if you're still here, if you're still reading this, then I appreciate what you're doing. It will never cease to amaze me that some people actually care about the things I think. I know it's pretty redundant that I keep saying this, but it means more to me than you can imagine.

So, fun fact about Cayla Clack. I love dreaming. Like I mentioned before, I'm a huge fan of finding the deeper meaning in everything, including in my dreams. I love hunting for every little drop of depth I can in my subconscious, but it's a tad offputting when your dream is extremely point blank and realistic. I had this dream about a week and a half ago, but it's consumed my thoughts so much that I feel like I need to share it with you all. (Without using names, yet still being completely obvious somehow. It takes skill.)

I was at one of my best friend's houses (let's call her Holly. She was almost named "Juno." Shh, don't judge me.), like always, but I was fresh out of college and immersed in a new teaching job (in New Braunfels, I think). We were all four and five years older, and the dream had a more mature air about it. Holly's parents got along a lot better now that they only had her two younger sisters, Sarah and Selena, to look after. Sarah, was a little smarter, and Selena was a little less of a shit. Holly was with a guy that I actually sort of approved of, and their elder brother, Joseph, was nowhere in sight. Holly's family invited me to a family reunion, saying I was like a daughter to them and that I'd helped Holly during the darkest time of her life, and I eagerly accepted. I hadn't seen Holly or Sarah in a long while, but in the back of my mind, I really wanted to know how Joseph was doing. It had been four years since I'd seen him last, and something was telling me I really needed to. At every family reunion, families catch up on any gossip they may have missed, and at this one in particular, the hot topic was Joseph and his girlfriend. I sat down next to one of Holly's aunts and overheard her talking about how she didn't approve of Joseph's thoughts to marry his girlfriend. I thought nothing of the fact that she didn't agree with her nephew's decision. Everyone in Holly's family had a reason to dislike someone for one thing or another. I was more interested in the fact that Joseph was in a relationship long enough to even consider the possibility of marrying someone. I wanted to hear more. I listened to all of the hushed tones Holly's family was uttering around the Cauldron that Mr. Rodriguez was cooking at.

"She's so mean to him."

"He doesn't even smile anymore."

"The only time you see him happy is at work. Your girlfriend is supposed to make you happy."

"It's a shame he's only thinking about marrying her because he doesn't want to start over again."

"He's not happy. You can see it in his eyes."

One of Holly's aunts turned to me and patted me on the knee. "You're much prettier than her, mi hija." Holly's family loved me more than ever, but their only problem with me is that I didn't go after Joseph while we were still teenagers, and now they all had to watch him marry a bitter woman he wasn't in love with. I smiled at her aunt then got up to see Mr. Rodriguez by the cauldron. I didn't bother with formalities or hellos.

"Joseph is getting married?" It just fell out of my mouth. Some small part of me felt sick thinking about it. I hadn't seen or spoken to Joseph in years and I, for some reason, couldn't stand the thought if him marrying this girl.

Mr. Rodriguez stirred up whatever he was frying in the cauldron (I had my heart set on carnitas). "Yeah, he's marrying that girl I told you about a few years ago. You should have gotten with him, Cayla. That boy used to love you, girl." I suddenly felt guilty. I didn't like to think about it while I was in high school, and frankly, I didn't believe it back then. But now, every second I spent in the same room as Joseph came flooding back to memory. Every sentence exchanged, every glance shared, every joke uttered. I remembered the time I first met him in the back seat of the family's car and he randomly bought me a Gatorade (lemon-lime, my favorite). I remember the day all of us kids were standing in the Rodriguez family kitchen talking, and Joseph stared at the floor until I addressed him specifically. I remember the night we stayed up nearly until dawn and he told me things he never told anyone else. When he looked hurt that I only "used" to have a crush on him, even though he had a girlfriend at the time. All of these thoughts engulfed my mind and drownes the helpless little me that was finally understanding the truth of the situation. There was something there when I was in high school. There was something between me and Joseph. I mentally facepalmed and felt weak-kneed when I realized I couldn't change things.

I realized I'd been standing there in front of Holly's dad looking lost. I swallowed the lump in my throat and prepared to speak. "I know he did, Mr. Rodriguez, but I was just a kid back then."

He nodded at me.

"What do I do?" I asked him, knowing the answer. Nothing could be done.

"Don't give up yet," he said, stirring the pot. "We told him you were invited and I saw the look on his face, girl. I think he still likes you."

I said okay and walked away. What if I was only here because his family hated his girlfriend? This family loved me, but they loved their son more. Of course that's why I was here. The only person that hadn't arrived to the reuinion was Joseph. While I anxiously awaited his arrival, I chatted up Holly and met her boyfriend. Despite her "get married young" mentality when we were teenagers, she and her boyfriend were happily taking it veeeeery slow. I, of course, was enthused at this fact. Holly was smitten by some guy, as always, but she'd been with him for three years and finally seemed to have her head on straight. I was proud of my friend and silently thanked God for answering my prayer to give her happiness and guidance.

We were talking and laughing and it suddenly got really quiet. I didn't have to look up to know why. Little Joseph was here with his girlfriend, and they walked down the stairs, hand in hand. He hadn't aged a day. He was still wearing his Polo from work, his hair was still the same, and the same belt he used to wear when we were teenagers peeked from under his shirt. If anything, he was in better shape than before. I had to catch my breath. He and his girlfriend walked toward us, and she was gorgeous. But the closer they came, the uglier she became until she had a beard and weighed three-hundred pounds. (Hey, it's been realistic thus far. He held her hand just as well, but I think the ugliness was her personality being depicted in a more literal sense. My subconscious is more blunt than I am, anway.) As soon as he saw me, he smiled, and then a somber look took over. He looked at the ground as I walked over.

"Hey, Joseph. Long time, no see."

"Yeah," he mumbled, without looking up. He began kicking at the gravel he was standing on. I laughed awkwardly.

"Hey, Alexis. How's it going?"

She said nothing, just scowled at me and gripped Joseph's hand tighter.

"Let's go grab those two chairs over there." She spoke to him while staring me down. And with an "Okay, babe," they walked away and left me standing there.

Soon enough, the food was ready, and stories were being told and laughs were being had. I decided to eat my dinner standing by the tree, so I wouldn't have to look at Joseph and his girlfriend sitting across from me. Everyone was laughing and having a good time, and I couldn't help but feel glad I was here. Like I belonged here. I couldn't help but smile. My moment of self-reflecting was interrupted by none other than  Little Joseph himself. I looked over and Alexis was sitting alone, looking pissed off, as always.

"My family's pretty crazy, huh? I can't believe you still come around." He laughed and it was the first time I'd seen him happy since he'd arrived at the shindig earlier. I chuckled as well.

"Nah, I love your family. You know that." We just stood and looked at the joyous Rodriguez clan sitting around the fire. We were quiet. I broke that silence. (That much is a given, huh?)

"You can't marry that girl, Joe."

AND THEN MY FRIEND'S DAD STORMS INTO THE ROOM AND MAKES US ALL WAKE UP.

I know reading this has probably been like reading a novel, and you want to gnaw your arm off to ease the agony, but this dream brings me to my point. (And I'll be brief.)

I recently learned that if you feel something for someone, you should make those feelings known. The timing may be terrible, or the.circumstances may seem to be against you, but I guess that's why it's called "Falling in love." Falling isn't necessarily a good thing, but the possibility that love is waiting for you on impact makes it worth it. In my case, I'm not talking falling in love. I can be honest in saying I don't know what that's like. For me, it's the same old I-like-a-guy-and-I'm-overthinking-it-and-giving-myself-an-unrealistic-ultimatum-because-he-is-in-some-way-unattainable thing. But, hey, what's romance without a little excitement?

I hope you guys enjoy this one, Cayla xx

Back In Black, And Don't You Know I'm Glad To Be Back?

Long time, no blog, huh? I'm going to be completely honest in saying, I have missed blogging and the feedback and feeling a real connection with my readers. I'm really glad to have to opportunity to continue blogging and for people to keep reading this silly ol' thing. That being said, a lot has happened during my absence, and I'm sure I'll be very scatterbrained trying to update you all. (I'm pretty out of practice, so who knows where this bad boy will go?) Let's get this ball rolling.

During my absence, I spent a large amount of my time at one of my best friend's houses, and it truly made for an unforgettable time. I've been going to this friend's house for a year and a half, and I'd give it all back for the past week I've spent there.

Before I spent an entire week at this house, they were just my friend's family. The temperamental father, the super straight-laced mother, the player of an older brother, the ditzy middle child, and the annoying five year old. The thing is, I realized (and this one's pretty obvious, so forgive me) that the more time you spend around someone, the better you get to know them. When you spend time with someone, they become less of your impression of them and more of a character that plays a part in your life. You realize these people have depth. They have demons. They have their dreams and their plight.

I stayed up talking all night with the player of an older brother and discovered he actually wants wants to "do things right", get married, start a family, and have a son. I found out he isn't as apathetic to his family's dysfunction as I perceived. I discovered he's a real person with real emotions.

I spent the day hanging with the ditzy sister and realized she's incredibly emotionally deep and loves her older brother and daddy more than anything. I discovered all she wants is her family's happiness and a little bit of clarity. I discovered she wants someone to listen to her and provide some insight and guidance for her.

I sat and talked with the angry dad all day, and it was brought to my attention that he is doing his best to keep his life on track, keep his family affairs in order, and learn how to give his problems to God. I learned that his life made him a hard man, and that he was finally learning how to be softer and emotionally vulnerable.

The straight-laced mother is the epitome of the term "bible-thumper," and really is straight-laced. On the other hand, it's all she knows. It's how she was raised, it's what she knows is right, and it's what she wants her children to know. She wants things to be whole and right (and a little bit holy), and I really understand that.

(Let's not even bother with the five year old. She's still the annoying five year old, but she's a cutie.) For the past few weeks, this family has been all that I've thought about, and all that I've prayed for. To add to the list of realizations I've had lately, I realized that they're the object of my thoughts and prayers for one reason only. They all have a part to play in this preachy drama I like to call my life.

They've lost their roles as extras and have blown into full on, fully animated characters in my life. (Is that a metaphor?)  Whatever parts they play, I am positive it'll turn out beautifully.

Was this alright for a second "first blog post"?
Cayla xx

Take a Sad Song and Make It Better

Okay, first and foremost, I am a mobile blogger. I blog from my phone, and there's not really another way for me to do it. Unfortunately, this phone decided it wanted to part ways with me, and is slowly malfunctioning, so I have to send it back and get a new one. Which means, for a few days, I won't be able to share my thoughts and musings with you guys. I'm pretty disappointed, but it'll give me time to come up with some darned good material to write about.

Now, down to brass tacks. Guess what I got corralled into doing tomorrow night?

No?

Okay, I'll tell you. I'm having to go to that kind of embarrassing, kind of awkward social event at the Coupland Dance Hall. Teen Night. (Cue shuddering) It's not so much that I don't like hanging out with my friends in public, and getting all dressed up, and having a reason to wear makeup (I seldom do). It's just that when it comes to situations with most of my classmates, I'm more of a watcher and less of a participant. (Even in my Psychology class, I'd always ask to sit out of group activities or work alone, and that was one of my favorite classes.) It could be sheer paranoia, or realistic thinking, but I just feel like my classmates judge those who don't conform to the masses. I'm certainly not a conformist, and I'm very different. My natural being makes me feel so out of place around students at my high school, and so that's why I dread Teen Night.

It's funny because when I first decided to go, I got all gussied up and I was actually excited. Had I known I was going to get certain looks and be treated like "That weird girl, Cayla", I'd have just worn blue jeans and flannel, like every day.

So tonight, I'm having a bit of a girly moment. I'm completely nervous for Teen Night. No questions. But on the flip side, half of me wants to go all out and dress up. Will it be like letting my guard down last time? Will I be disapponted? And then part of me knows I should show up like everyone always sees me. Plain Jane. Baseball tee, flannel, blue jeans, sneakers, ponytail. Maybe then, I'd feel like normal me in a social situation. I'd be prepared for my classmates to treat me like they usually do, and I'd be fine.

I'm thinking too much, and I hope this one didn't bum you guys out. But there's a dark to light, a tail to a head, and a yang to yin. Plus side, though. In college, no one's gonna know me, and I can totally break out all of the cute maxidresses I've been hiding my entire high school career. Silver lining. (It literally made me smile.)

Making negative into positive since 1996,
Cayla xx

There's a Time And a Place to Die, but This Ain't It. (Paramore Pun)

So, guys. I consciously didn't blog last night. It's an awkward moment when Cayla has nothing to say, but I really just didn't. I like for there to be a point to what I'm saying so the reader can get something out of it. You can't get much out of mindless chatter, and I do enough of that verbally.

Today, though, I do have something to talk about. It's about my future (again). You're probably thinking I talk about the future too often, and that's because I do. Reason being, my step into adulthood may as well be tomorrow. The future is hurling itself at me at breakneck speed. I'm having to plan (which I never do), and figure out things that end up deciding me future. I have to do extra in school and in life and make darned sure my indecisiveness doesn't get the better of me, like it always does. I have to prepare myself for being away from my mom and brother, this cute little town, and possibly even my best friend (that's you, Jenni). I'm paying attention to so many things concerning college and having a career that I don't even have the mental capability of being afraid of what the future may bring. Even so, I'd have to do it anyway.

If you're my age, the point I'm trying to make is, we've got ONE MORE YEAR. One. We're teeter-tottering on the fault line, and we either jump onto stable land, or fall into that abyss of an unsuccessful beginning at life. I'm definitely jumping to the other side. What are you gonna do? (The answer is what makes you truly happy, just heads up.)

I completely overused the word "future" in this one,
Cayla xx

P.S. The photo and the title of this blog are from the same song by Paramore called Now. It just fit and I'm punny as heck.

P.P.S. I got Paramore tickets today. The Paramore obsessed girl got her tickets. Maybe I'll get kicked out of the show for excessive flailing. Hmm...

P.P.P.S. Thanks for reading my blogs, guys. Whether it's one person or thirty, I'm grateful to know anyone cares about what I have to say. I hope you can take something from my words, and I hope you keep reading. (: